It's really rude to talk while I'm interrupting.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go sleep early or late?
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
I laugh at my own texts before i send them because I'm that damn funny.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 20-year old boy, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $90,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 27 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $130,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $620,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Jeanne: Hey, Why were you jumping up and down so hard?
Noel: Well, I just took the syrup but forgot to shake the bottle!
Noel: Well, I just took the syrup but forgot to shake the bottle!
My sister is short that her best friend is an ant.
What kind of bees produce milk?
BOOBIES! :-)
BOOBIES! :-)
My dad is a great musician. One day, he asked my mom if she had heard his last recital.
She replied: "I certainly hope so".
She replied: "I certainly hope so".
Yo mama so fat that God denied her as he had no room in heaven and the devil said there was no room in hell too.
**********
How has the Vatican become more holy?
They have introduced woodworm.
**********
I am one of those bad things that happen to good people.
**********
I hate everybody, and you’re next!
**********
**********
I am multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
**********
Sasha: It is enough now. I am gaining weight to fast. I have decided. Sim: Good. You are serious about your health. So what have you decided?
Sasha: I made my mind to take my health seriously and have now joined a Health club's FB page.
**********
Brother: What are you doing?
Me: Washing myself, of course.
Brother: Without soap and water?
Me: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
**********
Me often get too bored to stay home but too lazy to go outside.
**********
Don't go on my look. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…
**********
I am not like other people. I am different. Because others cry when their boyfriends or girlfriends break-up with them.
But I cry when my net is down or subscription expires.
**********
**********
'Be strong' I always whisper to my wifi signals.
**********
My friend: Hey Man, are you washing your car?
Me: No. Not at all. I am just watering on it to see if it grows into a Truck.
**********
My friend Harry was so shy.. Although that girl loved him but he often keep her guessing.
Than she found me for the answer.
**********
When I run behind them - Thy ignore me but once I stop paying attention...
That's when they start noticing me.
**********
That one question keep disturbing us - "Why is Monday so near to Friday and Why Friday so far from Monday?"
**********
How weird it is that how people talk so much about you, when the only thing they actually know about you is your name?
**********
**********
That moment when you're taking a picture of yourself and they catch you and you act like you are searching for signals.
**********
My girlfriend says that she hates drama but it is she who always starts it. LoL.
**********
There is one strong reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to!
**********
I am your - You're mine. We go together like copy and paste.
**********
I agree with you means that I am not agree with you at all. I do this just to keep shut you up.
**********
You know I already know the truth but It is always fun listening to someone's lie and than make them surprise by yelling at them.
**********
If someone hates you for no reason, You must do something do give them a pretty good reason.
**********
That moment when you can't deny someone to use your phone and they start going through your contacts, texts and finally pictures.
**********
When I make up my mind to - All the good shows and movies begin.
**********
You can really have the true experienced of fear and ghosts when something falls down on your face right in the middle of the night.
**********
Mom: Why are you awake at so early hours?
Me: Smiling and uttering "who sleet at night?"
**********
Me: Many many happy returns of the day.
She: Aww, you remembered my birthday!
Me: Well saying truly I forget but FB reminded me.
**********
Today my mother's uncle's brother's sister's son's daughter's dog died. Yes.. It was so tragic.
**********
Boy(while having lunch at Restaurant): Honey.. There is big problem and It is very serious. I hope you'll cooperate with me.
Girl: You gonna give me heart-attack. Share fast.
Boy: I have one more girl in my life..
Girl: Ohhh.. I thought you forgot your violate.
**********
Dear God.. Make my wishes come true.
1st - My cellphone never ran out of battery..
2nd - My fridge never ran out of food.
**********
Hi, I am nine and a half inches.
Sorry, I am not interested in friendship with midgets.
**********
That awesome moment when the whole group laughs at your joke.
**********
At Bar - One man asks to another man: Share me how does your wife reacts when you go home drunk?
Second man replies: Excuse me . I am not married yet!
First man: Oh my God, You're not married than why are you drinking?
**********
Some people love complications. They can't take the things as simple as they are.
**********
Jelly: "Do you have protection?"
Duke: "I don't believe in guns."
**********
How has the Vatican become more holy?
They have introduced woodworm.
**********
I am one of those bad things that happen to good people.
**********
I hate everybody, and you’re next!
**********
**********
I am multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
**********
Sasha: It is enough now. I am gaining weight to fast. I have decided. Sim: Good. You are serious about your health. So what have you decided?
Sasha: I made my mind to take my health seriously and have now joined a Health club's FB page.
**********
Brother: What are you doing?
Me: Washing myself, of course.
Brother: Without soap and water?
Me: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
**********
Me often get too bored to stay home but too lazy to go outside.
**********
Don't go on my look. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…
**********
I am not like other people. I am different. Because others cry when their boyfriends or girlfriends break-up with them.
But I cry when my net is down or subscription expires.
**********
**********
'Be strong' I always whisper to my wifi signals.
**********
My friend: Hey Man, are you washing your car?
Me: No. Not at all. I am just watering on it to see if it grows into a Truck.
**********
My friend Harry was so shy.. Although that girl loved him but he often keep her guessing.
Than she found me for the answer.
**********
When I run behind them - Thy ignore me but once I stop paying attention...
That's when they start noticing me.
**********
That one question keep disturbing us - "Why is Monday so near to Friday and Why Friday so far from Monday?"
**********
How weird it is that how people talk so much about you, when the only thing they actually know about you is your name?
**********
**********
That moment when you're taking a picture of yourself and they catch you and you act like you are searching for signals.
**********
My girlfriend says that she hates drama but it is she who always starts it. LoL.
**********
There is one strong reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to!
**********
I am your - You're mine. We go together like copy and paste.
**********
I agree with you means that I am not agree with you at all. I do this just to keep shut you up.
**********
You know I already know the truth but It is always fun listening to someone's lie and than make them surprise by yelling at them.
**********
If someone hates you for no reason, You must do something do give them a pretty good reason.
**********
That moment when you can't deny someone to use your phone and they start going through your contacts, texts and finally pictures.
**********
When I make up my mind to - All the good shows and movies begin.
**********
You can really have the true experienced of fear and ghosts when something falls down on your face right in the middle of the night.
**********
Mom: Why are you awake at so early hours?
Me: Smiling and uttering "who sleet at night?"
**********
Me: Many many happy returns of the day.
She: Aww, you remembered my birthday!
Me: Well saying truly I forget but FB reminded me.
**********
Today my mother's uncle's brother's sister's son's daughter's dog died. Yes.. It was so tragic.
**********
Boy(while having lunch at Restaurant): Honey.. There is big problem and It is very serious. I hope you'll cooperate with me.
Girl: You gonna give me heart-attack. Share fast.
Boy: I have one more girl in my life..
Girl: Ohhh.. I thought you forgot your violate.
**********
Dear God.. Make my wishes come true.
1st - My cellphone never ran out of battery..
2nd - My fridge never ran out of food.
**********
Hi, I am nine and a half inches.
Sorry, I am not interested in friendship with midgets.
**********
That awesome moment when the whole group laughs at your joke.
**********
At Bar - One man asks to another man: Share me how does your wife reacts when you go home drunk?
Second man replies: Excuse me . I am not married yet!
First man: Oh my God, You're not married than why are you drinking?
**********
Some people love complications. They can't take the things as simple as they are.
**********
Jelly: "Do you have protection?"
Duke: "I don't believe in guns."