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Irony

Why the first five days after the weekend are always the toughest?

My maturity level depends on who I'm with.

Hell with love, give me food.

I hate it when I have to be nice to someone who I really wanna throw a brick at.

My life will not be complete until I’ve walked away from an explosion in slow motion.

I never argue, I just explain why I'm right.

I need alcohol..bBecause no great story ever started with someone eating a salad...

Amusing Quotes

I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.

How strange when people think they're funny, but they're just annoying.

Try saying 'Cops' without your lips touching.

There's always that one person, who always catches you doing something weird.

Sneaking your seat belt on slowly when you see a cop.

That awkward moment when you try to high five someone and you both miss.

You are not a photographer.. You just have an overpriced camera.

I wish I could download food.

Life is so much funnier when you have a naughty mind.

Be sure that while climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!

Why don't you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your life to learn from your own.

Hi. Are you accepting any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

Do you stare at a text for five minutes to figure out how to reply.

I wanna scream, and shout, and let it all out! - Me on the toilet..

Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please...

You changed your cell phone for an extra inch.. I hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot! Everyone can catch a cold!

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen

You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. - Anonymous

Comical Quotes

That awkward moment between birth and death.

“No comment” is a comment.

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

The best way to make friends: bring a pack of gum.

When I was a kid, trying not to color outside of the lines was my biggest problem.

That awkward moment when your “friend” invites everyone but don’t invite you.

We all have that one friend with a funny laugh.

When I say ”there's nothing to eat” I mean there's nothing I like.

Doctor: "So what kind of birth control are you using?" Me: "My appearance."

Funny One Liner Quotes

'Now you can spend amazing time while reading these funny one liners. There are much more humor related stuff here to have hilarious time ever.'

One Liner

  1. Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.
  2. My luck is so bad that last week I went out of town and one of my friend ran with his beloved. Now everyone kept on calling me to inquire about them.
  3. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
  4. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
  5. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
  6. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  7. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse'
  8. 'Truth or dare' should be renamed to 'Interrogation or Humiliation'
  9. The kids across the street challenged me to a water fight, so I'm currently boiling the water.
  10. How could I miss you if you won’t go away?
  11. To the human - Brain is everything. But in your case, it's nothing.
  12. Etc. – End of Talking Capacity.
  13. I always take life with a grain of salt..plus a slice of lemon and a shot tequila.
  14. That hilarious moment when your dentist keeps asking you questions while their hands are in your mouth.
  15. So what if their jokes are funny - If I don't like them, I am not going to laugh.
  16. No I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.
  17. Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.
  18. I wish I could mute people.
  19. "Do me a favor?" "Does it involve me getting up?" "...Yes." "Then no.
  20. Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
  21. It's funny, we all really, really got along. I don't know how it was in years past but this year, I was really with a good group of people. No one tried to sabotage each other or steal the other ones moments.
    - LaToya London
  22. One mistake and everyone starts judging you.
  23. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  24. No, I am not looking for a stable relationship.. All I need is a stable internet connection.
  25. I just close my eyes for a second and wake and notice I've slept for 0 minutes.
  26. My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
  27. I hate how spiders just sit there on the walls and act like they pay rent.
  28. We all have that one person we wish we had never gave our phone number to.
  29. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  30. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    - Emo Philips
  31. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  32. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
  33. Admit that you say, "Just kidding".. But you're actually dead serious.
  34. Sometimes, talking to people is like talking to a wall.
  35. When you forget your wallet on your date.
  36. What's the best thing to do if you want to keep your hair when it starts falling out? Put it in a box.
  37. That awkward moment when you’ve fallen down on a trampoline and bitches won’t stop jumping so you can’t get up.
  38. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.
  39. Friend: Omg, your parents are so nice!
    Me: It's because you're here.
  40. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
  41. That annoying moment when your friend is a friend with the person you hate.
  42. Why does the computer programmer ignore the warning on the cigarette carton? Because he's seen so many warnings he only cares about errors.
  43. Do you have room in your life for another friend?
  44. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
  45. A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.
  46. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  47. Person: "Hey are you okay?" Me: "Yeah, just having a bad day.. week.. month.. year.. life.. existence."
  48. In humor you will find a lot of truth. When last did you hear a joke about a father in law?
  49. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  50. If you are going through hell, keep going.
  51. From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
  52. Pretending to think hard when your teacher is looking at you.
  53. Finding money from my clothes is like a gift to me from me.
  54. Everyone's problems. Morning brings Laziness, Afternoon brings dying for a rest and Night brings Can't sleep.
Still hungary?, Do read more short funny Quotes here.

So far

Distance really sucks... My room is so far from the fridge.

Avoid trouble and mistakes

I really do try to avoid trouble and mistakes… but I think they must have a crush on me..

What about

17 and pregnant? What about 19 and graduated? 23 and successful?

That strange moment

That strange moment when you can’t stop laughing while telling a joke & when you're finally done, your friends doesn’t even get it.

Best Friend

Nope, I don't hate my best friend's ex.

I agree

Yes - I agree that I don't just sing while shower... I perform too.

Never Got a Chance

It was a female who drove me to alcohol and I never got a chance to favor her.

When my mother

I hate it when my mother gets mad at my sibling and than so she decides to get mad at me too.

Being Normal

I tried being normal once. Wasted 5 minutes of my life.

Yes or No

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

You should walk

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Last thing she said

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you.

Behind every great man


Come over, nobody is home

She called me once and said "come over, nobody is home!" I went there and she was right! Nobody was home!

I am sorry

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant what you promised. How Silly me.

Sometimes

Sometimes they throwing their phone in anger. then checking if its still ok.

One Ice Cube

Don't you hate it when there is always that one ice cube that won't pop out of the tray.

Nobody

"Who’s there?" "Nobody!" "Oh thank god I freaked out"

Don't hesitate

If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

Scary movies

Why you girls cover your face while watching scary movies, then watch it through fingers.

When you accidentally touch

That awkward moment when you accidentally touch someone's butt while walking.

Out of Money

Dear Parents.. I love you, I'm out of money.

Forget what you needed

When you walk in a room and forget what you needed, so you awkwardly walk away looking confused.

I Bet You

I bet you vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots.

Never Mine

Not liking me will always be your problem. Never mine.

Window stopped working

My driver's side window stopped working, so I'm probably gonna starve to death.

End up cheating

I like women like I like my math. Easy. Or else I'll end up cheating.

I Smile

Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I feel dead. Physically: I smile

Selfish

Police never say, "Thank you for committing crimes and keeping us employed." Selfish..

Kicking Monday

If Monday had a face, I would kick its face in the balls.

Sometimes I Cannot Shake

Sometimes, I cannot shake off my sadness.

Smart People

Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions... when are they going to start making smart people?

Wrong Way

That moment when you walk the wrong way so you pat your pockets and act like you forgot something.

Easy to see

I'm not very healthy. I'm just easy to see.

My Lessons

I was born to make mistakes and I'll die with all of my lessons learned.

Your Age

Take your age and add 8 to it. That is your age in 8 years.

Attractive and Cool

If someone smells nice, they're automatically become more attractive and cool.

Dear All

Dear All, upset, bored, angry or hungry - I'm here for you. Sincerely, fridge.

More Conversations

We have more conversations in our head than We do in real life.

We speak it

School is pointless. English: We speak it. History: They're dead. Math: We have calculators. Spanish: We have Dora.

Calll Police

If you don't see me online on social sites for 36 hours, Immediately call the police.

They Hate You

Before you ask someone why they hate you, you should first ask yourself why you should even care.

My Hobbies

My hobbies include sleeping and disappointing everyone close to me.

Likes You

Awww look, my middle finger likes you!

Never Seen

Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone fall because of a banana.

Perfect Boyfriend

Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist.