Here for you some of the situations jokes to thrill you with laughter
There is one snake in this world which increases 0.5 cm per second.
And if it touches to its body, it dies..
It is most poisonous snake in this world.
It can only be found in Nokia mobile games only.
LOL
In marriage, compromise is from both front.
Girls sacrifices her parents,her home & siblings
Boy leaves the hope of silence, freedom and good days.
Who says no one cares from you.
Try once on the head light of your vehicle in Day light, hundred of people will care.
Wife comes out after having a shower
Husband: Look at him
Wife: Darling, what is the target?
Husband: Shut up, you used my hot water?
Hand-Picked Quotations & Pranks (Daily Moments)
Sometimes simple things seem so complicated and vice-verse. We must keep our minds chill and try to search something to laugh at. Birth and death is bitter truth so why not to make the moments so good in between these to points. In continuation with this zeal, I am here sharing some of best hand-picked quotations to have real dose of entertainment in our life. These are general practical things, happen with us on routine basis, so lets find something positive in those daily happenings.
Sometime men surprise why women think so long but the truth is women spend more time thinking about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking!
Philosophy of Marriage:
At the beginning, every wife treats her hubby as GOD..
One year later...
Somehow don't know understand - why... Alphabets get reversed!!
My Dream Job is not needing one!
Please do not test my gangster...
Before going back to home, you surprise to calculate that today you just worked for 30 minutes only!
Sorry I am so late means I don't want to join!
Every sunrise gives me a chance to learn something new but it also make me forget ten other things I learnt yesterday!
Whenever I enter in my workplace, I feel so deserved of getting overtime from the first minute.
During the day, people don't believe in ghosts but at night, they become open minded about it!
The moment when a male or female comes to know that from last so many months he/she was chatting to the same gender.
Now some Pranks:
Once a man goes somewhere in his boat, suddenly storm comes but he doesn't know how to swim! So he starts praying to God, pl stop it and I will donate one thousand dollars to needy people!
And the storm stop! After five minutes, he laughs and says who needy, which donation?
And the storm starts again? I again start crying and prays to God, I was just saying where I will find those needy people and when to withdraw money for that noble cause!! Lol
When I feel so confused, and need an expert's advice, I stand in front of the mirror!
I don't find myself funny at at. I am actually very cruel and blunt and people mistaken me with joking..
The moment when you are well and in hospital and every of relative comes and asks - How this happened?
And you make the same story again and again. Oh God please!
The time when your boss comes to know that you are not capable and you don't argue, somehow agreed!
The fear of wife when you receive a missed call night and cell in near to your wife!
Please God save me.
Love to save money but when it come, it flies like anything. Lol. You will never!
Waiting for Sunday but when it come, you actually sleep all the day and feel more tired than week days!
So confused to marry with the girl you love.
Someone catches your eyes while you're staring at girl while she's walking.
AT cloth shop, finding your choice and end up buying craps. Well don't' worry, it happens with everybody!
Coming at 22:00 and finding everyone sleeping, having fear of making what excuse to your wife again!
Sometime men surprise why women think so long but the truth is women spend more time thinking about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking!
Philosophy of Marriage:
At the beginning, every wife treats her hubby as GOD..
One year later...
Somehow don't know understand - why... Alphabets get reversed!!
My Dream Job is not needing one!
Please do not test my gangster...
Before going back to home, you surprise to calculate that today you just worked for 30 minutes only!
Sorry I am so late means I don't want to join!
Every sunrise gives me a chance to learn something new but it also make me forget ten other things I learnt yesterday!
Whenever I enter in my workplace, I feel so deserved of getting overtime from the first minute.
During the day, people don't believe in ghosts but at night, they become open minded about it!
The moment when a male or female comes to know that from last so many months he/she was chatting to the same gender.
Now some Pranks:
Once a man goes somewhere in his boat, suddenly storm comes but he doesn't know how to swim! So he starts praying to God, pl stop it and I will donate one thousand dollars to needy people!
And the storm stop! After five minutes, he laughs and says who needy, which donation?
And the storm starts again? I again start crying and prays to God, I was just saying where I will find those needy people and when to withdraw money for that noble cause!! Lol
When I feel so confused, and need an expert's advice, I stand in front of the mirror!
I don't find myself funny at at. I am actually very cruel and blunt and people mistaken me with joking..
The moment when you are well and in hospital and every of relative comes and asks - How this happened?
And you make the same story again and again. Oh God please!
The time when your boss comes to know that you are not capable and you don't argue, somehow agreed!
The fear of wife when you receive a missed call night and cell in near to your wife!
Please God save me.
Love to save money but when it come, it flies like anything. Lol. You will never!
Waiting for Sunday but when it come, you actually sleep all the day and feel more tired than week days!
So confused to marry with the girl you love.
Someone catches your eyes while you're staring at girl while she's walking.
AT cloth shop, finding your choice and end up buying craps. Well don't' worry, it happens with everybody!
Coming at 22:00 and finding everyone sleeping, having fear of making what excuse to your wife again!
Funny Short One Liner Jokes/Quotes
'Sometimes one right line is good enough to break the ice. Here presenting those great short one liner funny jokes and Funny Quotes to let you have best time ever.'
What do you call a bunch of liberals in a basement? A whine cellar.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.
- Jimi Hendrix
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. I am Balloon!
I have a friend named Kay. We call him K for short.
Wanna hear a joke? women's rights.
As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
The shortest horror story: The last person on earth sat in a room. There was a knock at the Door.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
Why cant Stevie Wonder read? Because he is black.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Regards - Banana.
Yo mama's so short, she don't roll dice, she pushes them.
Why can't helen keller drive? because she's a woman
How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop dead baby, one scoop ice cream, add root beer.
Why am I single? Because I treat girls right.
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
An argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
I am born a pessimist - My blood group is B Negative.
What's the difference between a liberal and a puppy? The puppy stops whining when it grows up.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
What do you call a bunch of liberals in a basement? A whine cellar.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.
- Jimi Hendrix
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. I am Balloon!
I have a friend named Kay. We call him K for short.
Wanna hear a joke? women's rights.
As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
The shortest horror story: The last person on earth sat in a room. There was a knock at the Door.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
Why cant Stevie Wonder read? Because he is black.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Regards - Banana.
Yo mama's so short, she don't roll dice, she pushes them.
Why can't helen keller drive? because she's a woman
How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop dead baby, one scoop ice cream, add root beer.
Why am I single? Because I treat girls right.
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
An argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
I am born a pessimist - My blood group is B Negative.
What's the difference between a liberal and a puppy? The puppy stops whining when it grows up.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
Clean Funny Jokes for Every Age Group
'Humor is like a magic stick which makes people laugh instantly. So if you have the desire to create fun into your circle then here are most hilarious, cute and funny jokes for you. You can share them with any age-group as they are clean and cute.'
I afraid of dying alone?
Become a bus driver.
___
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!
___
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
___
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. — Christina Stead
___
Your money, or your life. We know what to do when a burglar makes this demand of us, but not when God does. - Mignon McLaughlin
___
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
___
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink.
While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place.
It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy said, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.
Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before.
While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his rear, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his rear, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
____
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
____
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been in your fridge?
A: There are lipstick marks on your cucumbers.
____
Husband : Can I hug You ?
Wife : No !
Husband : I will gift you jewelry .
Wife : No !
Husband : I will buy you a new dress .
Wife : Still no .
Husband : I will take you to a long drive.
Wife : No No No .
After listening all this.. Their son woke up and said
Dad you can hug and kiss me, but just buy me a new laptop,Please
I afraid of dying alone?
Become a bus driver.
___
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!
___
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
___
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. — Christina Stead
___
Your money, or your life. We know what to do when a burglar makes this demand of us, but not when God does. - Mignon McLaughlin
___
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
___
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink.
While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place.
It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy said, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.
Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before.
While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his rear, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his rear, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
____
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
____
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been in your fridge?
A: There are lipstick marks on your cucumbers.
____
Husband : Can I hug You ?
Wife : No !
Husband : I will gift you jewelry .
Wife : No !
Husband : I will buy you a new dress .
Wife : Still no .
Husband : I will take you to a long drive.
Wife : No No No .
After listening all this.. Their son woke up and said
Dad you can hug and kiss me, but just buy me a new laptop,Please
Shortest Jokes
Technology is changing so our reading-style too. We want everything slimmer, short and easier than before. Well, that's good because no one has enough time read such long stuff. Things should be easy and less time consuming. So now we've done some manipulation in our joking style too. After writing Jokes, we are now trying to write some shortest possible jokes ever. Now you can very easily read, use, recall and share them.
1. I often stuck-up in situation where I'm left alone with someone I just met.
2. Woman driving and man in the kitchen means a big mess!
3. My girlfriend in shape... just the wrong one.
4. If you want to impress me with technology, first do something to make my phone charges automatically.
5. There is always that one person around who takes a few minutes to get the joke.
6. Fatty girl: I would love to lose weight, but you know, I hate losing!
7. I need you. I want you. I love you... Dear Food!
8. D.R.A.M.A. means Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
9. Why should I fall in love when I can fall asleep?
10. Sometime you've to do that fake laugh when an old man tells a bad joke.
11. Girls, you're 13. You should be losing teeth, not your virginity.
12. Roses are red, Grass is greener, I think of you when I touch my wiener.
13. Cool story bro, You should tell it to someone else.
14. I am not saying you are fat girl, I am just saying if I were to lift 4 fattest girls I know you'd be 3 of them.
15. Once a short height man gets over emotional while watching a movie and than he committed suicide. The name of the movie was 'Honey I shrunk the kids!'
16. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to be avoid, others I'd love to punch in the face!
17. Can a boy and girl be just friends? Only if girl is ugly.
18. Oh, money can't buy you happiness? Well, so does poverty can buy you anything?
19. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
20. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
21. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
22. He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
23. The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
24. Don't be so humble--you are not that great.
25. You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
1. I often stuck-up in situation where I'm left alone with someone I just met.
2. Woman driving and man in the kitchen means a big mess!
3. My girlfriend in shape... just the wrong one.
4. If you want to impress me with technology, first do something to make my phone charges automatically.
5. There is always that one person around who takes a few minutes to get the joke.
6. Fatty girl: I would love to lose weight, but you know, I hate losing!
7. I need you. I want you. I love you... Dear Food!
8. D.R.A.M.A. means Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
9. Why should I fall in love when I can fall asleep?
10. Sometime you've to do that fake laugh when an old man tells a bad joke.
11. Girls, you're 13. You should be losing teeth, not your virginity.
12. Roses are red, Grass is greener, I think of you when I touch my wiener.
13. Cool story bro, You should tell it to someone else.
14. I am not saying you are fat girl, I am just saying if I were to lift 4 fattest girls I know you'd be 3 of them.
15. Once a short height man gets over emotional while watching a movie and than he committed suicide. The name of the movie was 'Honey I shrunk the kids!'
16. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to be avoid, others I'd love to punch in the face!
17. Can a boy and girl be just friends? Only if girl is ugly.
18. Oh, money can't buy you happiness? Well, so does poverty can buy you anything?
19. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
20. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
21. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
22. He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
23. The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
24. Don't be so humble--you are not that great.
25. You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
12 Short Jokes with 15 Funny Quotes
Jump to: Short Jokes | Funny Quotes | Hilarious Husband Wife Letter | Too Funny Jokes
'So enjoy/giggle the rare combination of Amazingly Funny Quotes with Hilarious Short Jokes ever. Humor, to us, is like oxygen in water/air which keeps us alive and bless us with health. You must stop this boring way of living life like others do! Ops, just kidding, but seriously you can experience good fun here - It's a cinch. It is up to us how we deal with life. Exact same situation, for two different people, can be funny and sad. Attitude, habits and sense of humor really matter. Enjoy now because now is true and everything else is lie.'
Some people try to find reasons for laughter every-time while others adopt opposite behavior as they tend to look for problems. Creating humor, sharing good quotes/jokes can be very tactful way of coping with hurdles of life. You must agree that at the end of it, no one gonna stay alive so we should try to surround ourselves with people having great sense of humor. It is really wise and suggestible to not to take much pressures and tensions. Always give your 100% to every task and leave everything on to 'Karma'. Someone has rightly been said that "Life is very simple but we insist on making it complicated". Now take the oath to enjoy every present moment and celebrate the blessing of God. By doing so, you can gain and hold attention of everyone around. We are trying to put an effort to make you laugh with below written short hilarious Funny jokes and quotes and don't worry about time as we keep them brief and yet they're funny.
We always find ourselves blank when our friends and family ask us to share something funny. But after scrolling this post, you will not feel as you were. It gonna make your mind full of hilarious things to be shared with companions. Time flies but when you spend it giggling with others, it becomes a good memory you can always talk about. Although these quotes and jokes make fun of others, but this is the way to laugh. So step down to the world of unimaginable fun to power up your conversations!
Short Jokes
Why the frogs are always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!!
So he swallowed the coin and still there is no change..
Smartest husband of this world!
Wife in anger: This is too much. I take care of home, I take care of kids, I take care of your whole house! What you take care of?
Husband: I take care of myself when I see your deepest eyes with amazing smile.
Wife: You are too much. Okay tell me what would you prefer in dinner!
Today I whatsapp to my 12 friends that I lost my phone.. Pls call to find out..
20 people called me..
OMG - I need smarter friends......... LOL
One dog to another: Today at 3:00 am, my owner caught a thief.
Dog2: Where were you?
Dog1: I was sleeping. Come one I not a human being who keep on surfing all night.
-----
One lie can reduce your life by 5 minute.
One smile can increase your life by 10 minutes.
MORAL: Always lie while laughing.. you will gain 5 minute extra life..
Man to mosquito - why are you biting me at day timing?
Mosquito - I am on overtime boss! Mother father are not well. In house there is young sister and boy side people have demanded one liter Blood...
----
Married life is so easy - just like a walk in park.. but the problem is park is like Jurassic park..
----
Marriages are made in heave... truly said... but
Maintenance charges has to be paid in earth..
---
A man lost his wife in Tsunami..
One drunk night: while standing on the seashore, waves touching on his feet..
He shouted to sea: 'No matter' how many times you waves, touch my feet....
I'll never take her back...!! It is your mistake - Deal with it now!
Work culture today is simpler and more focused.. now it's just talk, talk and talk!
Now that I have gained confidence of my boss with my new young look, my wife has started doubting my intentions!
Do you have the model which can help me grind egos of my managers to manageable size?
How would you differentiate between yogurt and Australia?
Well, Yogurt has some culture
"Oh God pardon me for lying once again on the behalf of my boss and make sure you debit thin in his account!"
How innocent employees are! Their cruel bosses keep on pressuring them to tell lots of lies to the clients. But after all it is the matter of job but don't worry, God sees it all. He gonna count these lies into his account. How smart.
-2. If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China.
-1. My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy...that we have Health Insurance!
0. I never understand that why the hell do people use hash-tags on FB?
No, not a joker in green suit and saffron tie, he's our boss - dressed in tricolor for freedom bash!
1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
A. You have been online for more than one year. Do you wish to log off and get a life? Yes No. Remind me later
B. Money can't buy poverty.
C. He Meets an Accident with his new Mercedes.
Him while crying: Officer! See what happened with my luxury car!!
Police: You're Such materialistic. You Even haven't noticed that your right leg has been cut off.
He looks at his right leg and yells - Oh No My Nike shoes..
Please put down your knees.. nurse asks.
But they are not up - patient replies!
D. Guy walks out in restaurant..
Waitress says: sir your garage door is open.
Guy: Did you see my Harley?
Waitress: No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tyres.
4. Pl quit smoking. 100% of all smokers die. So what - Do 100% of all non-smokers stay alive?
4a. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
4b. Admit you check time on mobile to see time, and see it again as first time u didn't paid attention!
5. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
One more good joke on the married couple. A wife never commits that she is wrong and never forgives her man but sometimes she does when he catches her red handed! Lol
5a. The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
6. Guy: Will you be my girl? Girl: Excuse me! Him: Listen to me. I’m rich. She: Oh hi I’m Sara, 20 yrs old. Him: Hi Beauty, My name is Rich, 22 yrs old, single!!
6a. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
6b. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
6c. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
10. Sometime I think that Bill Gates last name is GATES.. so why in the world does he sell Windows?
10a. What will always make ma mad? Letter ‘d’.
11. Why can't I remember the moments of my childhood everyone keeps on talking about. It is like being drunk - They remember everything what I did, except me.
11b. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
12. A Japanese woman must be having one birthdays because all others are anniversaries!!
This amusing quote makes fun on the trend of getting married on very young age tradition. So they often get more chance of celebrating their anniversaries than birthdays.
12a. That one person you wish to punch on face without getting in trouble.
12b. Dad: How will you separate a mixture of sand and sugar?
Son: Simple, I will give the mixture to the ants. they will take the sugar and leave the sand.
These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
The perfect satire on today's generation. They really don;t have any principal, motto and ambition in life. They just run towards fun, enjoyment and girls. They never think of creativity and inventions. Yeah, they have rules but they change according to person or circumstances.
My friend Dang is really so less grown up that he makes me wonder like he works at piggy bank!
A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle.
The bartender asked "What does he look like?"
Never make eye contact while Eating Banana.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
What is the meaning of coincidence?
24 Hours in a day, 24 beers in a case!
Oh, you're 100% useless. No, you can use me as a bad example!
Q: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the volume of the radio down?
A: To hear the cars behind you brake!
I feel so happy from inside when a teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs!
Once a horse walks into a bar? The barman says why the long face!
She said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."
I asked, "You pack them."
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
And which dwarf are you?
Can I ask you two questions?
Okay, what’s the second one?
A crow says to a woodpecker 'what are your eating habits?' and the woodpecker replied 'well, I am a bit of a PECKY eater.'
A joke is a very serious thing. Yes, it is..
- Winston Churchill
Advancement of relationship: Wife to hubby: Your kids and mine kids are fighting with our kids. Stop them!
To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra.
Yo mama hair so short that she curls it with rice.
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's mind. Then I opened an account into social network site and now I am over it.
Him: Hello, My name is cliff.
Me: Go and drop over on sometime else.
There’s no money in poetry..
But then there’s no poetry in money, either.
When the people stare at you, you suddenly turn around and say ' What the hell do you want?'
Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
Beware of the Dog.. The Cat is not trustworthy either.
Q: Why do they call it a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, and pair of spectacles but a bra is just a bra?
A: Speechless!
Instead of getting those four days, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant'!
My Dog Can Lick Anyone!
Admit it that you try to listen what strangers are talking about and mentally give your opinions.
Some people laugh is really funnier than any joke.
My life is small. I can't listen to banality.
When they say "I'll think about it", what they really mean is, "I'll forget about it completely until you bring it up again."
Him: Why are you looking so sad. Stop crying?
Me: Nope, I'm just having an allergic reaction.
Him: For what?
Me: That teasing Life!
We live by the Golden Rule.
Means those who have the gold make the rules?
Everyone has someone in their life whose laugh is funnier than the jokes they crack.
Blonde goes to a pizza shop and orders one pizza. the person at the counter asks her: "would you like your pizza cut in 6 slices or 12?" and the blonde said "Six please! One couldn't possibly eat 12 slices!".
Funny Quotes
-5. 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
- Samuel Butler
What a in-depth statement by Mr. Samuel. He understood the situation of married men and commented on 'sweet home' slogan. 'Sweet lovely home' must be originated by someone who was bachelor because for married man, jail is better than home because that cruel lady officer waits there!
-4. I say I don't need to pen it down, I'll remember it. And after a day, I forget.
-3 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
Perhaps the most funny and best quotes for naughty people! There are lots of things of men interest in women so see through them means your eyes are really old.
-2. That moment when you meow at cat and they don't meow you back!
-1. I really need a week off from this damn reality, a enjoying week without any shocking news and all those bullshits that run through my mind all the time.
Girl: Professor, Do you remember me? You asked me to marry you some years ago!
Professor: Yes I remember but did you?
0. Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
- Fanny Brice
1. You and me are perfect and cutest. Ha Ha just kidding. you're really useless.
2. I have sure forecast for tonight - Yes It is going to be so dark!
Some people are too good at creating suspense that it makes us laugh. It is but natural that night brings darkness but that smart person adds such cute line before it that it grabs everyone's attention.,
3. Her FB status - "I'm Sitting" - 126 likes - 65 comments. His status - "Just got Proportion" - 1 likes - 2 comment!
It really happens. People like the illogical things specially when they're written by girls because they have purpose for that. The same situation is on social networking places. A good informative and useful status by male often gets very less popularity comparing to unusual, meaningless, ridiculous status by females.
What do cats like to eat for their breakfast? Mice Krispies!
4. 95 percent of all constipated people do not give a crap.
4a. I'm 47, You learn life is little and it's not worth doing something if you don't enjoy it.
- Trisha Yearwood
5. Their horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
6. The toughest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.
Very right point although offensive but still imagine. They all have very similar features. So how hard it would be for an artist to sketch them.
7. You learn a new word and suddenly start listening it everywhere.
7a. The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
- Henry Louis Mencken
8. I am fearing of growing up because it's a Trap..
9. When you hear yourself eating crunchy food, You often wonder if people can hear it too.
10. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
11. There's always that one friend who catches you doing something weird.
12. Looking at someone too gorgeous and beautiful - thinking "Wow, let me serve you"
12a. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. –Anon
So true! In marriage, lots of fights happen but if you both have good understanding, you know when to keep your mouth shut. Because both parties are right and fight can convert into war. So learn to know how to mute and keep it up.
13. How can you go 10 days without sleeping? Because I sleeps at night, you know!
14. "Draw a blank"? Better to ask my bank a/c manager!
15. Do you exercise? Yes if it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!
"K" = the most powerful way to piss someone off while messaging..
I am actually a really nice good person But I simply do not like other people.
I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.
All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
- Miguel De Cervantes
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Clarity: This quote reveals the truth of males behaviors. It removes the black-sheet from the eyes of viewers. They often misunderstand some actions and relate it to love and care. Yes, men do care but for new thing or relations. As time passes by, value diminishes. What's say?
Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
- John Barrymore
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley
If Couples that are in love are called ‘Love Birds’ then couples that always argue should be called
‘Angry Birds’...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman
Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are. - Erica Jong
Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
You ain't tell me you had kids??
After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things. First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms...both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
- Dennis Miller
Why is it good to have a liberal in the car with you?
You can park in a handicap zone.
While asking 100 women about their Favorite shampoo.. The top answer was:
Get the hell of my bathroom ..
My friend Jimmy is having very less height that when he sits on the side walk, his feet are still swinging.
Hilarious Husband wife letter
What Do You Say - Sad or Funny? 
Dear Wife, I am writing you this letter to express you that I am leaving you for forever. I’ve been a good husband to you for 5 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to do love makingor anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to hill place together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 5 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 5 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $39.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $40 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 20 million $, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Husband: While crying and repenting,
OMG No.....
I am so Unfortunate!
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Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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Woman was God's second mistake.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Steven Wright
Very intelligent! Witty people always find some solution even if there is no way. That is what illustrated in above quote. So what if brakes are unrepairable, you can blow that loud horn to get people out of your way.
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"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen
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There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
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A best way to prevent snoring is..... put a pillow over his face.
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Never try to understand women. Women understand women And they hate each others!
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What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.
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I've been using 'one office, two systems' pretty effectively -- one for me and the other for the rest!
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You are so nasty, I called you on the phone and got an ear infection.
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Too funny Jokes
Doctor: Listen gentleman, You've got a tumor in your brain.
Wife starts laughing so loud!
Husband: Why so?
Wife: I am surprised that he has a brain!
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When she sees a spider, she behaves cool but she cries when it disappears!
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Dad to daughter: Dear, what you do when you grow up?
Daughter: I'll do marriage.
Dad: No, bad thing, you should not think anyone's bad at this age.
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My Aerobic teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
Not end yet, the more big magical dose of fun waiting for you More Jokes.
Funny Jokes |  |
Some people try to find reasons for laughter every-time while others adopt opposite behavior as they tend to look for problems. Creating humor, sharing good quotes/jokes can be very tactful way of coping with hurdles of life. You must agree that at the end of it, no one gonna stay alive so we should try to surround ourselves with people having great sense of humor. It is really wise and suggestible to not to take much pressures and tensions. Always give your 100% to every task and leave everything on to 'Karma'. Someone has rightly been said that "Life is very simple but we insist on making it complicated". Now take the oath to enjoy every present moment and celebrate the blessing of God. By doing so, you can gain and hold attention of everyone around. We are trying to put an effort to make you laugh with below written short hilarious Funny jokes and quotes and don't worry about time as we keep them brief and yet they're funny.
We always find ourselves blank when our friends and family ask us to share something funny. But after scrolling this post, you will not feel as you were. It gonna make your mind full of hilarious things to be shared with companions. Time flies but when you spend it giggling with others, it becomes a good memory you can always talk about. Although these quotes and jokes make fun of others, but this is the way to laugh. So step down to the world of unimaginable fun to power up your conversations!
Why the frogs are always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!!
So he swallowed the coin and still there is no change..
Smartest husband of this world!
Wife in anger: This is too much. I take care of home, I take care of kids, I take care of your whole house! What you take care of?
Husband: I take care of myself when I see your deepest eyes with amazing smile.
Wife: You are too much. Okay tell me what would you prefer in dinner!
Today I whatsapp to my 12 friends that I lost my phone.. Pls call to find out..
20 people called me..
OMG - I need smarter friends......... LOL
One dog to another: Today at 3:00 am, my owner caught a thief.
Dog2: Where were you?
Dog1: I was sleeping. Come one I not a human being who keep on surfing all night.
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One lie can reduce your life by 5 minute.
One smile can increase your life by 10 minutes.
MORAL: Always lie while laughing.. you will gain 5 minute extra life..
Man to mosquito - why are you biting me at day timing?
Mosquito - I am on overtime boss! Mother father are not well. In house there is young sister and boy side people have demanded one liter Blood...
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Married life is so easy - just like a walk in park.. but the problem is park is like Jurassic park..
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Marriages are made in heave... truly said... but
Maintenance charges has to be paid in earth..
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A man lost his wife in Tsunami..
One drunk night: while standing on the seashore, waves touching on his feet..
He shouted to sea: 'No matter' how many times you waves, touch my feet....
I'll never take her back...!! It is your mistake - Deal with it now!
Work culture today is simpler and more focused.. now it's just talk, talk and talk!
Now that I have gained confidence of my boss with my new young look, my wife has started doubting my intentions!
Do you have the model which can help me grind egos of my managers to manageable size?
How would you differentiate between yogurt and Australia?
Well, Yogurt has some culture
"Oh God pardon me for lying once again on the behalf of my boss and make sure you debit thin in his account!"
How innocent employees are! Their cruel bosses keep on pressuring them to tell lots of lies to the clients. But after all it is the matter of job but don't worry, God sees it all. He gonna count these lies into his account. How smart.
-2. If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China.
-1. My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy...that we have Health Insurance!
0. I never understand that why the hell do people use hash-tags on FB?
No, not a joker in green suit and saffron tie, he's our boss - dressed in tricolor for freedom bash!
1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
A. You have been online for more than one year. Do you wish to log off and get a life? Yes No. Remind me later
B. Money can't buy poverty.
C. He Meets an Accident with his new Mercedes.
Him while crying: Officer! See what happened with my luxury car!!
Police: You're Such materialistic. You Even haven't noticed that your right leg has been cut off.
He looks at his right leg and yells - Oh No My Nike shoes..
Please put down your knees.. nurse asks.
But they are not up - patient replies!
D. Guy walks out in restaurant..
Waitress says: sir your garage door is open.
Guy: Did you see my Harley?
Waitress: No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tyres.
 |  |  |
4. Pl quit smoking. 100% of all smokers die. So what - Do 100% of all non-smokers stay alive?
4a. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
4b. Admit you check time on mobile to see time, and see it again as first time u didn't paid attention!
5. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
One more good joke on the married couple. A wife never commits that she is wrong and never forgives her man but sometimes she does when he catches her red handed! Lol
5a. The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
6. Guy: Will you be my girl? Girl: Excuse me! Him: Listen to me. I’m rich. She: Oh hi I’m Sara, 20 yrs old. Him: Hi Beauty, My name is Rich, 22 yrs old, single!!
6a. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
6b. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
6c. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
 |  |  |
10. Sometime I think that Bill Gates last name is GATES.. so why in the world does he sell Windows?
10a. What will always make ma mad? Letter ‘d’.
11. Why can't I remember the moments of my childhood everyone keeps on talking about. It is like being drunk - They remember everything what I did, except me.
11b. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
12. A Japanese woman must be having one birthdays because all others are anniversaries!!
This amusing quote makes fun on the trend of getting married on very young age tradition. So they often get more chance of celebrating their anniversaries than birthdays.
12a. That one person you wish to punch on face without getting in trouble.
12b. Dad: How will you separate a mixture of sand and sugar?
Son: Simple, I will give the mixture to the ants. they will take the sugar and leave the sand.
These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
The perfect satire on today's generation. They really don;t have any principal, motto and ambition in life. They just run towards fun, enjoyment and girls. They never think of creativity and inventions. Yeah, they have rules but they change according to person or circumstances.
My friend Dang is really so less grown up that he makes me wonder like he works at piggy bank!
A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle.
The bartender asked "What does he look like?"
Never make eye contact while Eating Banana.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
What is the meaning of coincidence?
24 Hours in a day, 24 beers in a case!
Oh, you're 100% useless. No, you can use me as a bad example!
Q: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the volume of the radio down?
A: To hear the cars behind you brake!
I feel so happy from inside when a teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs!
Once a horse walks into a bar? The barman says why the long face!
She said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."
I asked, "You pack them."
 |  |
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
And which dwarf are you?
Can I ask you two questions?
Okay, what’s the second one?
A crow says to a woodpecker 'what are your eating habits?' and the woodpecker replied 'well, I am a bit of a PECKY eater.'
A joke is a very serious thing. Yes, it is..
- Winston Churchill
Advancement of relationship: Wife to hubby: Your kids and mine kids are fighting with our kids. Stop them!
To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra.
Yo mama hair so short that she curls it with rice.
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's mind. Then I opened an account into social network site and now I am over it.
Him: Hello, My name is cliff.
Me: Go and drop over on sometime else.
There’s no money in poetry..
But then there’s no poetry in money, either.
When the people stare at you, you suddenly turn around and say ' What the hell do you want?'
Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
Beware of the Dog.. The Cat is not trustworthy either.
Q: Why do they call it a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, and pair of spectacles but a bra is just a bra?
A: Speechless!
Instead of getting those four days, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant'!
My Dog Can Lick Anyone!
Admit it that you try to listen what strangers are talking about and mentally give your opinions.
Some people laugh is really funnier than any joke.
My life is small. I can't listen to banality.
When they say "I'll think about it", what they really mean is, "I'll forget about it completely until you bring it up again."
Him: Why are you looking so sad. Stop crying?
Me: Nope, I'm just having an allergic reaction.
Him: For what?
Me: That teasing Life!
We live by the Golden Rule.
Means those who have the gold make the rules?
Everyone has someone in their life whose laugh is funnier than the jokes they crack.
Blonde goes to a pizza shop and orders one pizza. the person at the counter asks her: "would you like your pizza cut in 6 slices or 12?" and the blonde said "Six please! One couldn't possibly eat 12 slices!".
Funny Quotes
-5. 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
- Samuel Butler
What a in-depth statement by Mr. Samuel. He understood the situation of married men and commented on 'sweet home' slogan. 'Sweet lovely home' must be originated by someone who was bachelor because for married man, jail is better than home because that cruel lady officer waits there!
-4. I say I don't need to pen it down, I'll remember it. And after a day, I forget.
My bank text me me Balance  | Having some words with wife |
-3 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
Perhaps the most funny and best quotes for naughty people! There are lots of things of men interest in women so see through them means your eyes are really old.
-2. That moment when you meow at cat and they don't meow you back!
-1. I really need a week off from this damn reality, a enjoying week without any shocking news and all those bullshits that run through my mind all the time.
Girl: Professor, Do you remember me? You asked me to marry you some years ago!
Professor: Yes I remember but did you?
0. Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
- Fanny Brice
1. You and me are perfect and cutest. Ha Ha just kidding. you're really useless.
2. I have sure forecast for tonight - Yes It is going to be so dark!
Some people are too good at creating suspense that it makes us laugh. It is but natural that night brings darkness but that smart person adds such cute line before it that it grabs everyone's attention.,
3. Her FB status - "I'm Sitting" - 126 likes - 65 comments. His status - "Just got Proportion" - 1 likes - 2 comment!
It really happens. People like the illogical things specially when they're written by girls because they have purpose for that. The same situation is on social networking places. A good informative and useful status by male often gets very less popularity comparing to unusual, meaningless, ridiculous status by females.
What do cats like to eat for their breakfast? Mice Krispies!
4. 95 percent of all constipated people do not give a crap.
4a. I'm 47, You learn life is little and it's not worth doing something if you don't enjoy it.
- Trisha Yearwood
5. Their horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
6. The toughest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.
Very right point although offensive but still imagine. They all have very similar features. So how hard it would be for an artist to sketch them.
7. You learn a new word and suddenly start listening it everywhere.
7a. The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
- Henry Louis Mencken
8. I am fearing of growing up because it's a Trap..
9. When you hear yourself eating crunchy food, You often wonder if people can hear it too.
10. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
11. There's always that one friend who catches you doing something weird.
12. Looking at someone too gorgeous and beautiful - thinking "Wow, let me serve you"
12a. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. –Anon
So true! In marriage, lots of fights happen but if you both have good understanding, you know when to keep your mouth shut. Because both parties are right and fight can convert into war. So learn to know how to mute and keep it up.
13. How can you go 10 days without sleeping? Because I sleeps at night, you know!
14. "Draw a blank"? Better to ask my bank a/c manager!
15. Do you exercise? Yes if it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!
"K" = the most powerful way to piss someone off while messaging..
I am actually a really nice good person But I simply do not like other people.
I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.
All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
- Miguel De Cervantes
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Clarity: This quote reveals the truth of males behaviors. It removes the black-sheet from the eyes of viewers. They often misunderstand some actions and relate it to love and care. Yes, men do care but for new thing or relations. As time passes by, value diminishes. What's say?
Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
- John Barrymore
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley
If Couples that are in love are called ‘Love Birds’ then couples that always argue should be called
‘Angry Birds’...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman
Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are. - Erica Jong
Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
You ain't tell me you had kids??
After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things. First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms...both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
- Dennis Miller
Why is it good to have a liberal in the car with you?
You can park in a handicap zone.
While asking 100 women about their Favorite shampoo.. The top answer was:
Get the hell of my bathroom ..
My friend Jimmy is having very less height that when he sits on the side walk, his feet are still swinging.
What Do You Say - Sad or Funny?
Dear Wife, I am writing you this letter to express you that I am leaving you for forever. I’ve been a good husband to you for 5 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to do love makingor anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to hill place together! Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 5 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 5 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $39.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $40 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 20 million $, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.Husband: While crying and repenting,
OMG No.....
I am so Unfortunate!
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Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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Woman was God's second mistake.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Steven Wright
Very intelligent! Witty people always find some solution even if there is no way. That is what illustrated in above quote. So what if brakes are unrepairable, you can blow that loud horn to get people out of your way.
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"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen
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There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
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A best way to prevent snoring is..... put a pillow over his face.
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Never try to understand women. Women understand women And they hate each others!
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What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.
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I've been using 'one office, two systems' pretty effectively -- one for me and the other for the rest!
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You are so nasty, I called you on the phone and got an ear infection.
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Too funny Jokes
Doctor: Listen gentleman, You've got a tumor in your brain.
Wife starts laughing so loud!
Husband: Why so?
Wife: I am surprised that he has a brain!
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When she sees a spider, she behaves cool but she cries when it disappears!
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Dad to daughter: Dear, what you do when you grow up?
Daughter: I'll do marriage.
Dad: No, bad thing, you should not think anyone's bad at this age.
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My Aerobic teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
Not end yet, the more big magical dose of fun waiting for you More Jokes.
That strange moment
That strange moment when you can’t stop laughing while telling a joke
& when you're finally done, your friends doesn’t even get it.