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Most Hilarious Quotes

'Bringing the Extremely Hilarious and Funny Quotes ever to make your hours full of enjoyments. So Ha Ha as loud as possible so that your neighbor could hear sounds and get jealous of your happiness.'

Most Hilarious

  1. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
    - Ann Landers
  2. I'd love to mess everything up.
  3. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
  4. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
    - Jo Brand
  5. Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
    The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  6. I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide is a crime.
  7. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  8. Stop me before I start making sense.
  9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  10. I slept like a baby last night.. Waking up every 2 hours crying for food.
  11. If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
    - Jennifer Jones
  12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  13. If you should die before me ask God if you can bring a friend?
  14. Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.
  15. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  16. If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you.
  17. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
    bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
  18. You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.
  19. We've come in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
  20. When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides. Just in case, there are any girl driving.
  21. That boring moment when you looks at the menu for 10 minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
  22. The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
  23. They say Magnet attracts. So is that mean if I swallow magnets, will I be attractive?
  24. Making a ton of plans then ending up doing nothing.
  25. Will you please introduce your top lip to your bottom lip and shut the hell up!
  26. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
  27. If two things don’t fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that’s credulity.
  28. Death is hereditary.
  29. I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
  30. I would like to be able to admire a man’s opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.
  31. Getting married at 20 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:00pm.
  32. A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you I am drunk is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying I'm delicious.
  33. Sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sun and to protect others from seeing the storm behind them.
  34. That angry moment when you're walking around the house with socks on and you step on a random wet spot.
  35. I don't get why people have to lie to sound important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fight crime with The Avengers.
  36. The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh.
  37. Get married.. because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work.
  38. I've just realized that 400 of my 650 friends are actually my own fake profiles.
  39. Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.
  40. Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
  41. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  42. Smile. Your enemies hate it.
  43. That extremely annoying moment when you are behind a slow walker and there is nothing you can do to get around them.
  44. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
  45. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  46. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  47. In theory, everything works.
  48. Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
  49. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  50. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  51. Deep down I'm a very shallow person.
  52. Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.

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