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Today's Funny Quote

'Enjoy our daily up-to-date today's funny quotes and much more related to humor.'

Funny Quote

"Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you."

"We've just marked our tenth wedding anniversary on the calendar and threw darts at it."
– Phyllis Diller

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
- Albert Einstein

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
- Thomas Edison

"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
- Ogden Nash

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."

"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network."
- Guy Almes

"I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works."

"Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you."

"Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
– Rita Rudner

"The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother's always a Democrat."
- Robert Frost

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
– James Holt McGavra

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."
- Cal Thomas

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
- Noelie Alite

"God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question."
– Anon

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
- Groucho Marx

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."

"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."
- Alfred A

"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."
- Kimberly Broyles

"I don’t mind if you sleep in class, but please do not snore, you are disrupting those who are sleeping."

"Excuse me, here's your nose. I found it in my business."

"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

"I want to make out with the fat guy from 'The Hangover'. He's amazing. I like big, fat guys with beards that wear thick glasses."
- Kesha

"Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly."
- George Raft

"When it’s a question of money, everybody is of the same religion."
- Voltaire

"Just for this one night I will not think about you. I will have fun, and laugh again. And enjoy every minute. Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover."
- Anon

"Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
— Bill Vaughn

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
- Fletcher Knebel

"They say cheese gives you nightmares. Ridiculous! I’m not scared of cheese."
- Ross Noble

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra

"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."
- J. Paul Getty

"One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued."
- Benjamin Franklin

"An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself."

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
- Neva Faith Linn

When I was a kid, "I am going to tell your mom" was the ever scariest sentence for me.

"There are three ways of losing money: racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain."
- Lord Amherst

"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."
- Ron Kittle

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen

"Silence is golden but duck tape is silver."
- Anonymous

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
- Steven Wright

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
- George Carlin

"I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird."

"A committee is twelve men doing the work of one."