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Funny Quotes by Ralph, Homer & Mr. Burns

'Enjoy these rib-tickling funny quotes by famous fiction characters of animated television series.'



Funny Ralph Wiggum's Quotes:

"Lisa: Players play and managers manage.
Ralph: Do alligators alligate?"

"Ralph: I wanna go back inside mommy."

"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

"Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office."

"My cat's breath smells like cat food!"

"Sticks ice cream cone to forehead."

"Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box."

"Bart: How'd a pull up like you get a great card like that?
Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
Bart: Ralph, I will play you for that card.
Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you'll have to teach me how to play this game"

Funny Homer Simpson's Quotes:

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing"

"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow."

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for eight more years."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

"To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President."

"Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt."

"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder."

"Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin' it on."

"Let's just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV."

"Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once!"

"Black, marbleized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em."

Funny Mr. Burns Quotes:


"Smithers: I'm so happy I could hug you.
Mr. Burns: And have me smell like cheap drug store cologne the rest of the day? You may hug my shadow."

"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."

"I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo."

"Guard: It's time for a cavity search.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I haven't cavity in forty years.
Guard: I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Mr. Burns: Nor was I."

"Is it a crime to want nice things and then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not."

"Carl: Sir, your spare ribs, cooked just the way you like them.
Mr. Burns: Spare ribs eh? I've played around with ten pins a time or two in my life and, to me, the term spare reeks of second best. Give me ten full frames of strike ribs. [to Lenny]: And you, find my doctor and find out why I'd ask for something as insane as strike ribs."

Funny and Strange Situations

'Some situations are really so funny and strange that you can't stop yourself from laughing. We are gathering those funny situations pics so that you could enjoy well.'










Receiving a message in the morning and reading it with one eye open.

Start sneaking your seat-belt on SLOWLY when you see police.

Strange moment when your friend keeps talking and you pretend to be interested.

When you're not sure whether that person's a boy or a girl.

I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.

No one can walk slower than the person crossing the crosswalk in front of you.

Naughty Love Quotes

naughty new quote to express your deepest feel
Love Quotes versions: Naughty - Romantic - For Him - For Her - Miss You - I Love You - Cute - Unconditional

So if you don't like to see me smoking, then you better find another ways to keep my lips busy.
way to keep my lips busy
Sometimes you need not to ask for what you really want. Above quote says it all. Cute words, body language, expressions and eyes say it all. So here man saying that if her girl doesn't want him to smoke, she have to kiss him so that his lips should not feel thirst for it.

Romance and love can really make our lives beautiful if we deal with these emotions with loyalty and faith. There are lots of phrases about love, we are going to experience you in this journey. Sometimes, this feeling makes you feel on top of the world and other time, you feel so dark. The desires flow so high that you can not control. You must try your best to take the relationship seriously but sometimes being naughty in love really works well to have good enjoyable time with him/her. Yes, you can experience it here with these love quotes filled with lots feelings and different colors of love.

To nurture your feelings, emotions and care - you need not to practice anything special. It just happens naturally. Always remember that nothing is more powerful/important than finding true love in life. It is God's greatest blessing to us. Believe in it and live it at its fullest.

Love is a magical. It awakens our emotions but it's meaning varies from person to person. It holds the same attitude. Some people call it prayer, some take it as a passion, some believe that it is necessity of good life. You can not live with artificial feelings, you can not fake it. Time clears everything. In-fact love demands sacrifices, mutual-understanding, freedom and concern for one another. It grows naturally. You can not force anyone to love you. It just goes on itself. When it comes to us, our lives become so beautiful like heaven.

Love is the second name of patience. If you love somebody, give them a space, never stop loving them, and if you are really true with your feelings, you will win one day. She/he will be in your arms and that time you come to that it worth it. Quitting means taking pain for lifetime. Keep on fighting for what you deserve and your struggle will worth it. Adding more sentiments in your journey of life, you will later come to know that you really lived a great life.

Definition: The word 'LOVE' has lots of meaning depending on various situations. When baby born, a flow a natural love originates from parents. Siblings have care and concern for each others which is also a form of love. Teachers want their students to achieve extra-ordinary success can also be known as love. It has the element of kindness, affection, compassion and closeness. Some pleasures also consist love like you may love going to places or having delicious meal. But here we are describing the love between men and women who have no blood relation where in teenage they meet and fall in love with one another. Yes, it is known as interpersonal love. They just want each other's company. They can talk with one another for hours. They both have passion for doing something special for each others.

Romantic

My ideal weight is when yours on mine.

Ah! that spicy girl!

Forget the butterflies, I feel all the zoo when I am with you!

I don't want you to write a love letter, just smack me on the back and say "I am glad that as is mine"!

It is not being in love what makes me happy. It is being in love only with you what makes me happy.

Not every other person deserve my love. It takes a special quality to be eligible for being my beloved. And with you, I feel a different kind of happiness. So I want to be in love with you only.

You have got a smile that could light up my whole life!

Girl: "Describe me in one word." Boy: "Mine"
How cute! What more sentimental words can there be except saying her 'you are mine'. It makes her feel so special and emotional.

I'll kiss you in the rain so you get twice as wet.
Yes, it really happens. When a girl loves you and you get a chance to love her in the rain, she will get wet by rain and again by you know!

That little moan they make when they stretch.

Crop tops and short shorts.
short shorts

Hey, for me.. you are like Sun.. Because I have a hard time looking at you directly and you make me sweat a lot!

I really feel so bad for those guys/girls who aren't dating me.
Yeah, I am so beautiful and gorgeous but I can date one boy at a time. So others who are in the queue are really so unfortunate. Please adjust, guys!

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
- By Madonna

If you received a text from me last night, please disregard it as my phone was drunk.
I really don't want to talk to so what what you always on my mind. That crazy alcohol made me text you yesterday night, so don't blame me for that.

You can read Lines to attract her.

We are unknown for each others but who’d say it’s wrong if we be together?

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.
- Nicholas Sparks
Souls are connected
Above love quote is meant for those couples who can not live without one another. Their souls are so much habitual of each others and cannot be relax in distance.

When they play with your underwear.

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
- Rose Franken

The most complicated triangle is LOVE TRIANGLE!

Born to please, taught to tease.

This wonder situation comes when a girl is confident enough on her beauty. She knows that boys can not resist her and she wants to make everyone happy.. You know.. Lol.

Don't worry, its only kinky the first time.

What is the difference between female at the ages of 9, 19, 29, 39, 49 and 59?? 9 You take her to bed and tell her a story. 19 You tell her a story and take her to bed. 29 You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 39 She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 49 You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 59 You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.

I'd tell you to kiss my as.. but I am Pretty sure you'd fall in love and then I'd never get rid of you.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I don't make mistakes, I just date them.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Coming to my home than make your mind to be naughty with me.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

My girlfriend told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.

Being sexy is funny but it creates lots of birds around!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening, Cartoonist & The Simpson's Creator

Women are good for 70 things, sandwiches and 69.

Today's affairs between lovers are like You can touch each other but you cannot touch each others mobile.

Naughty

Love

I hope you day is as good as you are from below the waist:) <3 Hands sliding up your dress under the table. Hands sliding

Love is saying 'I feel differently' instead of 'You're wrong.'

Love is Love - Live it

Listen dear! Do You Want to Know a Secret? But First Promise me, you’ll not share it with anybody..OK, Come closer, Let me whisper in your ear! Say the words you long to hear! I’m in LOVE with you!
in love

Sometimes what we call love is just a settling of old scores, or a seeking of forbidden pain, or a circuitous path to the kingdom of cruelty, or she may simply have confused lack of capital with heroism while searching for rescue without knowing from what.
- Anne Roiphe

I have learned not to worry about love; But to honor its coming with all my heart.
- Alice Walker

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing: Come back to me and forgive everything.
- Moulin Rouge

Pick me up, hang out with me until I fall asleep, then you are free to go.
This love quote expresses teenager's way of living their love lives. They want to go to places with their partners, having fun all the day until they dead tired and then a sound sleep. Wow what a life.

I lost my bed, can I sleep in yours?

I want you sore honey.

You are 100 percent mine and just a mere thought of anyone catching you like a knife twisting in my dark soul.

Your place or mine?

Don't care for those who ignore you, care for those who are ignoring others for you.
This quote is like a wise advise to us. That person is really most valuable person who sacrifices for us, leaves all the important work.. just to be with us and cares for our feelings. Never run for that person who ignores you and doesn't understand your care for them. Appreciate what you have.

When they lightly tickle you sides.

Bring it out, I need it so badly.

GIRL: I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth.
BOY: Dumb, if I were the last person on earth, you wouldn't be here!

Massages that turn into passionate love.

When I look into your eyes, I find everything I need.

Goofy girls make wonderful girlfriends.

Could you pull my hair, please?

Me: Hey love, Are you Jealous? She: Nope. Me: Are you sure? Her: Yeah. Me: Than kiss me. Her: GO KISS THAT B!TCH WHO LIKED YOUR STATUS ON FB!

Love Quotes For Him

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits. It's in how tender he touches.

A guy like you should be tagged with a warning.

You are my boyfriend. I expect when you see me walking - Sneak me up and hug my waist from behind.. When I’m scared, Protect me.. When I tell you a secret.. keep it safe and untold.. Be with me always!
my boyfriend

If you do something to me what would you do?

A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea.
- Honoré de Balzac

Love withers with predictability; its very essence is surprise and amazement. To make love a prisoner of the mundane is to take its passion and lose it forever.
- Leo F. Buscaglia

I am in love with girls that are bad, naughty, bad-ass, and a little selfish, but I like to watch from a respectful distance!
- Dreama Walker

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone perfect because you ignore all their faults.

Kisses blown are kisses wasted, kisses are not kisses unless they are tasted.

Kisses spread germs and germs are hated, but anyhow you can kiss me baby I am vaccinated.

What is so hard, long, and has cum in it? A cucumber!

B.R.A. and B.A.R. - have same alphabets, both are drinking zones and have restriction time of closing and opening. Both, When open, drive men crazy!

I am lost in your eyes.

You are so romantic. You have a lyrical soul. You can love under the best and worst conditions. I need you always.

Girls are greedy, They want everything from the same man. Boys are so simple, They want the same thing from every girl.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you but I find myself wanting to be lost again

Having that kind of love is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. - Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

You are terribly late, you know.. naughty.

Each time I hear your voice, I hear another reason to keep you forever!

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything, I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

I feel too ugly to date attractive people, too attractive to date ugly people.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

A tear is made of 1% water and 99% FEELINGS.

Easy way to get laid: First go and lay on bed. Wait 30 minutes. Lay becomes past tense.

Lets flip the coin. Heads.. you are mine. Tails.. I am your. :-)

You can feel that she gets jealous, She gets mad, She gets worried, She gets curious, But that's only because she cares for you.

Shouldn't you be in my room having cup of coffee?

You are not prepared for your next if you're still replying to your ex.
Yes, gone is gone. Don't give it a place in your present life because if you do that you will never able to love the person who is with you. So its better to welcome next and forget ex.

I feel so proud and satisfied of being single... until I notice a happy couple.
I can really make you laugh.. You should date me once.

Awww I love getting those cute secret naughty questions at night.

You are the reason why I believe in condoms.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If everything is under control, you are going too slow.

You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant (excepting Alice).

The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands.

Two of them were just napping.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go.

Now care for some Love Quotes For her so that she could listen your deepest feelings.

I'm easy to feel, but not to fall. I'm easy to love, but not to let go. I'm easy to forgive, but not to forget.

33 years old is significant, because at 33 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail.

In bed without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Sometimes the greatest moments happen when you least expect it.

Spending most of my day trying to pretend that you're not addicted to phone.

That sexy face she makes when she eats something super sour.

Love is like a butterfly. If you chase after it, it will fly away. But if you are patient, and wait long enough, it will land in your hands.

Don't do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain't!

Show feelings, get hurt. Be faithful, get cheated on. Show love, get left. Be honest, get lied to.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

Before I go to sleep I always picture what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms. It's probably the best feeling in the world.

It is amazing how many emotions you can hide behind a smile.

I wonder if I've already met the person I'm going to marry.

I never gave you a reason to hate me. You're just creating your own little drama out of pure insecurity.

I gaze deeply into her eyes I feel as though I am lost in a sea of passion that no man has ever felt before.

May no gift be too small to give, nor too simple to receive, which is wrapped in thoughtfulness and tied with love.

Cute Love Quotes:

Love is like a hole in the heart.

She may be confused about a lot of things, but one thing she knows is that she's happiest when she is with him.

A woman is truly beautiful only when she is naked and she knows it.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

She told me to be more affectionate. So I got four more.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
– Rodney Dangerfield

If a guy doesn’t want to be friends after he broke your heart, it means he loves you too much, or he never loved you from the start.

Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.

My style and that appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Life is funny, first you want to grow up, then you want be a kid again.

Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her moves.

From the bottom of my heart, I hate you.

Love is equal to sharing your feelings, thoughts, fears, weak-points, dreams, hopes, ideas, loneliness and food!

I like naps and you!

Just because I'm not talking, doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood. Sometimes I just like to be quiet.

I try and try to move on with my life, yet every part of me surrenders at the mention of your name.

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
- Christopher Marlowe

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off. Aren't they?

Just because I flirt doesn't mean I am interested.

Please stop undressing me with your eyes, why don't you use your teeth.

85% of socks are single and I never see them crying about it.

I'm not trying to impress girls or anything but.. You know, yesterday night I slept without a night bulb.

It is enough my future boyfriend. You must now stop playing hide and seek game.

When another girl 'likes' my crush or boyfriend's picture, Yes, I automatically start to hate them with a burning passion.

I have made love with you a lot in my mind.

Gather the rose of love whilst yet is time.
- Edmund Spenser (1552-1599)

I hate them - I believe it, I like them - they suspect me.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.
- Jim Carrey

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
- Molly McGee

In the darkest hours of night, there is none I would want more than you to fill me with ecstasy.

Miss You

Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away."

Whenever I take a breath I miss you.

If I had a shot of vodka for every day that I've missed you, I'd be sober.

Sometimes in class, I wonder for my miss to play the 'who’s a virgin' challenge in their imaginations over class.

I Love You Quotes

Of course there's always "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

Girls language: Go away means come back, I hat you means I love you, I am fin means I am not okay.

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
– Brendan Francis

I love you without reason and i think that is reason enough.

We fall in love in the same way we get sick; without wanting to, without believing it, against our will and unable to defend ourselves. And then we lose love exactly the same way.

Unconditional Love Quotes:

Love is something you put your heart and soul into.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
- Stephen Kendrick

Like an old photograph, time can make a feeling fade, but the memory of a first love never fades away.
- Tim McGraw

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.
- Dave Barry

The unconditional love of God leads to a life of freedom and transforms each day into a potentially wild adventure.
- Randy Elrod

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
- Albert Einstein

It should be a privilege to be able to say "I love you" to someone. It shouldn't be something people say just because they feel like it. A privilege that is earned. They say you have to earn the right to be loved; no, love is unconditional, if you love someone, they don't have to earn it. But. The right to tell someone that you love them? That has to be earned. You have to earn the right to be believed.
- C. JoyBell C.

Love is a haunting melody That I have never mastered And I fear I never will.
- William Seward Burroughs (1914-1997)

Can we mingle? Tell me now or or never!

I hug him tightly. "I can’t imagine my life without you, Christian. I love you so much it frightens me." "Me, too," he breathes. "My life would be empty without you. I love you so much."
- E.L. James, Fifty Shades Darker

Men are only as loyal as their options.
- Bill Maher

I really miss those days when we were together and were doing silly thing and enjoying each moments. I wish those days come back.

Thank you very much for spending your precious time here. Keep loving and enjoy life.

Most Hilarious Quotes

'Bringing the Extremely Hilarious and Funny Quotes ever to make your hours full of enjoyments. So Ha Ha as loud as possible so that your neighbor could hear sounds and get jealous of your happiness.'

Most Hilarious

  1. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
    - Ann Landers
  2. I'd love to mess everything up.
  3. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
  4. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
    - Jo Brand
  5. Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
    The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  6. I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide is a crime.
  7. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  8. Stop me before I start making sense.
  9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  10. I slept like a baby last night.. Waking up every 2 hours crying for food.
  11. If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
    - Jennifer Jones
  12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  13. If you should die before me ask God if you can bring a friend?
  14. Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.
  15. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  16. If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you.
  17. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
    bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
  18. You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.
  19. We've come in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
  20. When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides. Just in case, there are any girl driving.
  21. That boring moment when you looks at the menu for 10 minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
  22. The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
  23. They say Magnet attracts. So is that mean if I swallow magnets, will I be attractive?
  24. Making a ton of plans then ending up doing nothing.
  25. Will you please introduce your top lip to your bottom lip and shut the hell up!
  26. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
  27. If two things don’t fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that’s credulity.
  28. Death is hereditary.
  29. I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
  30. I would like to be able to admire a man’s opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.
  31. Getting married at 20 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:00pm.
  32. A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you I am drunk is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying I'm delicious.
  33. Sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sun and to protect others from seeing the storm behind them.
  34. That angry moment when you're walking around the house with socks on and you step on a random wet spot.
  35. I don't get why people have to lie to sound important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fight crime with The Avengers.
  36. The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh.
  37. Get married.. because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work.
  38. I've just realized that 400 of my 650 friends are actually my own fake profiles.
  39. Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.
  40. Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
  41. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  42. Smile. Your enemies hate it.
  43. That extremely annoying moment when you are behind a slow walker and there is nothing you can do to get around them.
  44. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
  45. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  46. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  47. In theory, everything works.
  48. Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
  49. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  50. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  51. Deep down I'm a very shallow person.
  52. Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.

12 Short Jokes with 15 Funny Quotes

Jump to: Short Jokes | Funny Quotes | Hilarious Husband Wife Letter | Too Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Smiley
Skinny jeans are like calories. Easy to put on but impossible to take off.
skinny jeans
'So enjoy/giggle the rare combination of Amazingly Funny Quotes with Hilarious Short Jokes ever. Humor, to us, is like oxygen in water/air which keeps us alive and bless us with health. You must stop this boring way of living life like others do! Ops, just kidding, but seriously you can experience good fun here - It's a cinch. It is up to us how we deal with life. Exact same situation, for two different people, can be funny and sad. Attitude, habits and sense of humor really matter. Enjoy now because now is true and everything else is lie.'

Some people try to find reasons for laughter every-time while others adopt opposite behavior as they tend to look for problems. Creating humor, sharing good quotes/jokes can be very tactful way of coping with hurdles of life. You must agree that at the end of it, no one gonna stay alive so we should try to surround ourselves with people having great sense of humor. It is really wise and suggestible to not to take much pressures and tensions. Always give your 100% to every task and leave everything on to 'Karma'. Someone has rightly been said that "Life is very simple but we insist on making it complicated". Now take the oath to enjoy every present moment and celebrate the blessing of God. By doing so, you can gain and hold attention of everyone around. We are trying to put an effort to make you laugh with below written short hilarious Funny jokes and quotes and don't worry about time as we keep them brief and yet they're funny.

We always find ourselves blank when our friends and family ask us to share something funny. But after scrolling this post, you will not feel as you were. It gonna make your mind full of hilarious things to be shared with companions. Time flies but when you spend it giggling with others, it becomes a good memory you can always talk about. Although these quotes and jokes make fun of others, but this is the way to laugh. So step down to the world of unimaginable fun to power up your conversations!
Short Jokes
Why the frogs are always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!!

So he swallowed the coin and still there is no change..

Smartest husband of this world!
Wife in anger: This is too much. I take care of home, I take care of kids, I take care of your whole house! What you take care of?
Husband: I take care of myself when I see your deepest eyes with amazing smile.
Wife: You are too much. Okay tell me what would you prefer in dinner!

Today I whatsapp to my 12 friends that I lost my phone.. Pls call to find out..
20 people called me..
OMG - I need smarter friends......... LOL


One dog to another: Today at 3:00 am, my owner caught a thief.
Dog2: Where were you?
Dog1: I was sleeping. Come one I not a human being who keep on surfing all night.

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One lie can reduce your life by 5 minute.
One smile can increase your life by 10 minutes.
MORAL: Always lie while laughing.. you will gain 5 minute extra life..

Man to mosquito - why are you biting me at day timing?
Mosquito - I am on overtime boss! Mother father are not well. In house there is young sister and boy side people have demanded one liter Blood...
----

Married life is so easy - just like a walk in park.. but the problem is park is like Jurassic park..

----


Marriages are made in heave... truly said... but
Maintenance charges has to be paid in earth..

---


A man lost his wife in Tsunami..
One drunk night: while standing on the seashore, waves touching on his feet..
He shouted to sea: 'No matter' how many times you waves, touch my feet....
I'll never take her back...!! It is your mistake - Deal with it now!




Work culture today is simpler and more focused.. now it's just talk, talk and talk!

Now that I have gained confidence of my boss with my new young look, my wife has started doubting my intentions!

Do you have the model which can help me grind egos of my managers to manageable size?

How would you differentiate between yogurt and Australia?
Well, Yogurt has some culture

"Oh God pardon me for lying once again on the behalf of my boss and make sure you debit thin in his account!"
How innocent employees are! Their cruel bosses keep on pressuring them to tell lots of lies to the clients. But after all it is the matter of job but don't worry, God sees it all. He gonna count these lies into his account. How smart.

-2. If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China.

-1. My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy...that we have Health Insurance!
dress like a nurse

0. I never understand that why the hell do people use hash-tags on FB?
hash tag

No, not a joker in green suit and saffron tie, he's our boss - dressed in tricolor for freedom bash!

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..

A. You have been online for more than one year. Do you wish to log off and get a life? Yes No. Remind me later
online life

B. Money can't buy poverty.

C. He Meets an Accident with his new Mercedes.
Him while crying: Officer! See what happened with my luxury car!!
Police: You're Such materialistic. You Even haven't noticed that your right leg has been cut off.
He looks at his right leg and yells - Oh No My Nike shoes..

Please put down your knees.. nurse asks.
But they are not up - patient replies!
knees down

D. Guy walks out in restaurant..
Waitress says: sir your garage door is open.
Guy: Did you see my Harley?
Waitress: No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tyres.


E. She is from Iceland and he is from Cuba. Their kids will it be known as an Ice-cube?
Iceland and Ice-cube
2. "Insufficient funds"
cheque returned
3. I got a mini heart-attack
mini heart-attack

4. Pl quit smoking. 100% of all smokers die. So what - Do 100% of all non-smokers stay alive?

4a. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

4b. Admit you check time on mobile to see time, and see it again as first time u didn't paid attention!

5. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Good wife forgives
One more good joke on the married couple. A wife never commits that she is wrong and never forgives her man but sometimes she does when he catches her red handed! Lol

5a. The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

6. Guy: Will you be my girl? Girl: Excuse me! Him: Listen to me. I’m rich. She: Oh hi I’m Sara, 20 yrs old. Him: Hi Beauty, My name is Rich, 22 yrs old, single!!

6a. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

6b. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

6c. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.


7. Answer in Brief
removing your shirt trouser

8. Live till 57
live till 57

9. Right to remain silent
please SHUT UP

10. Sometime I think that Bill Gates last name is GATES.. so why in the world does he sell Windows?

10a. What will always make ma mad? Letter ‘d’.

11. Why can't I remember the moments of my childhood everyone keeps on talking about. It is like being drunk - They remember everything what I did, except me.

11b. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

12. A Japanese woman must be having one birthdays because all others are anniversaries!!
This amusing quote makes fun on the trend of getting married on very young age tradition. So they often get more chance of celebrating their anniversaries than birthdays.

12a. That one person you wish to punch on face without getting in trouble.

12b. Dad: How will you separate a mixture of sand and sugar?
Son: Simple, I will give the mixture to the ants. they will take the sugar and leave the sand.

These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
The perfect satire on today's generation. They really don;t have any principal, motto and ambition in life. They just run towards fun, enjoyment and girls. They never think of creativity and inventions. Yeah, they have rules but they change according to person or circumstances.

My friend Dang is really so less grown up that he makes me wonder like he works at piggy bank!

A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle.
The bartender asked "What does he look like?"

Never make eye contact while Eating Banana.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Few Drink Behind

What is the meaning of coincidence?
24 Hours in a day, 24 beers in a case!

Oh, you're 100% useless. No, you can use me as a bad example!

Q: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the volume of the radio down?
A: To hear the cars behind you brake!

I feel so happy from inside when a teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs!

Once a horse walks into a bar? The barman says why the long face!

She said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."
I asked, "You pack them."

Keep Flushing!
do not succeed
Do not try at Home
Do not TRY THIS

Then why they select toppers?
selecting toppers

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

And which dwarf are you?

Can I ask you two questions?
Okay, what’s the second one?

A crow says to a woodpecker 'what are your eating habits?' and the woodpecker replied 'well, I am a bit of a PECKY eater.'

A joke is a very serious thing. Yes, it is..
- Winston Churchill

Advancement of relationship: Wife to hubby: Your kids and mine kids are fighting with our kids. Stop them!

To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra.

Yo mama hair so short that she curls it with rice.

I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's mind. Then I opened an account into social network site and now I am over it.

Him: Hello, My name is cliff.
Me: Go and drop over on sometime else.

There’s no money in poetry..
But then there’s no poetry in money, either.

When the people stare at you, you suddenly turn around and say ' What the hell do you want?'
People stare

Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

Beware of the Dog.. The Cat is not trustworthy either.

Q: Why do they call it a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, and pair of spectacles but a bra is just a bra?
A: Speechless!

Instead of getting those four days, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant'!

My Dog Can Lick Anyone!

Admit it that you try to listen what strangers are talking about and mentally give your opinions.

Some people laugh is really funnier than any joke.

My life is small. I can't listen to banality.

When they say "I'll think about it", what they really mean is, "I'll forget about it completely until you bring it up again."

Him: Why are you looking so sad. Stop crying?
Me: Nope, I'm just having an allergic reaction.
Him: For what?
Me: That teasing Life!

We live by the Golden Rule.
Means those who have the gold make the rules?

Everyone has someone in their life whose laugh is funnier than the jokes they crack.

Blonde goes to a pizza shop and orders one pizza. the person at the counter asks her: "would you like your pizza cut in 6 slices or 12?" and the blonde said "Six please! One couldn't possibly eat 12 slices!".

Funny Quotes

-5. 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
- Samuel Butler
What a in-depth statement by Mr. Samuel. He understood the situation of married men and commented on 'sweet home' slogan. 'Sweet lovely home' must be originated by someone who was bachelor because for married man, jail is better than home because that cruel lady officer waits there!

-4. I say I don't need to pen it down, I'll remember it. And after a day, I forget.

My bank text me me Balance My bank has service where they text me my a/c balance I just don’t think they should add LOL to end.Having some words with wifesome words with wife

-3 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
Perhaps the most funny and best quotes for naughty people! There are lots of things of men interest in women so see through them means your eyes are really old.


-2. That moment when you meow at cat and they don't meow you back!

-1. I really need a week off from this damn reality, a enjoying week without any shocking news and all those bullshits that run through my mind all the time.

Girl: Professor, Do you remember me? You asked me to marry you some years ago!
Professor: Yes I remember but did you?
Asked me to marry

0. Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
- Fanny Brice

1. You and me are perfect and cutest. Ha Ha just kidding. you're really useless.

2. I have sure forecast for tonight - Yes It is going to be so dark!
Some people are too good at creating suspense that it makes us laugh. It is but natural that night brings darkness but that smart person adds such cute line before it that it grabs everyone's attention.,

3. Her FB status - "I'm Sitting" - 126 likes - 65 comments. His status - "Just got Proportion" - 1 likes - 2 comment!
It really happens. People like the illogical things specially when they're written by girls because they have purpose for that. The same situation is on social networking places. A good informative and useful status by male often gets very less popularity comparing to unusual, meaningless, ridiculous status by females.

What do cats like to eat for their breakfast? Mice Krispies!
cats breakfast

4. 95 percent of all constipated people do not give a crap.

4a. I'm 47, You learn life is little and it's not worth doing something if you don't enjoy it.
- Trisha Yearwood

5. Their horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

6. The toughest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.
Very right point although offensive but still imagine. They all have very similar features. So how hard it would be for an artist to sketch them.

7. You learn a new word and suddenly start listening it everywhere.

7a. The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
- Henry Louis Mencken

8. I am fearing of growing up because it's a Trap..

9. When you hear yourself eating crunchy food, You often wonder if people can hear it too.

10. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

who else just absolutely can not sleep with socks on?

11. There's always that one friend who catches you doing something weird.

12. Looking at someone too gorgeous and beautiful - thinking "Wow, let me serve you"

12a. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. –Anon
So true! In marriage, lots of fights happen but if you both have good understanding, you know when to keep your mouth shut. Because both parties are right and fight can convert into war. So learn to know how to mute and keep it up.

13. How can you go 10 days without sleeping? Because I sleeps at night, you know!

14. "Draw a blank"? Better to ask my bank a/c manager!

15. Do you exercise? Yes if it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!

"K" = the most powerful way to piss someone off while messaging..

I am actually a really nice good person But I simply do not like other people.

I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
- Miguel De Cervantes

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
New Wife or New Car
Clarity: This quote reveals the truth of males behaviors. It removes the black-sheet from the eyes of viewers. They often misunderstand some actions and relate it to love and care. Yes, men do care but for new thing or relations. As time passes by, value diminishes. What's say?

Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
- John Barrymore

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley

If Couples that are in love are called ‘Love Birds’ then couples that always argue should be called
‘Angry Birds’...
Angry Couples

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman

Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are. - Erica Jong

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

You ain't tell me you had kids??

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things. First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms...both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
- Dennis Miller

Why is it good to have a liberal in the car with you?
You can park in a handicap zone.

While asking 100 women about their Favorite shampoo.. The top answer was:
Get the hell of my bathroom ..
Get Out of Bathroom sayingLet the Hang over begin before we sit down to review the year’s sales
performance!


My friend Jimmy is having very less height that when he sits on the side walk, his feet are still swinging.

Hilarious Husband wife letter
What Do You Say - Sad or Funny?
unfortunate Husband lotteryDear Wife, I am writing you this letter to express you that I am leaving you for forever. I’ve been a good husband to you for 5 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to do love makingor anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to hill place together! Have a great life!

wife so happyDear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 5 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 5 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $39.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $40 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 20 million $, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.


Husband: While crying and repenting,
OMG No.....
I am so Unfortunate!

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Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.

-----

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

-----

irritating

-----

Woman was God's second mistake.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

-----

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

-----

"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Steven Wright
Very intelligent! Witty people always find some solution even if there is no way. That is what illustrated in above quote. So what if brakes are unrepairable, you can blow that loud horn to get people out of your way.

-----

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen

-----

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

-----

A best way to prevent snoring is..... put a pillow over his face.

-----

Never try to understand women. Women understand women And they hate each others!

-----

What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.

-----

I've been using 'one office, two systems' pretty effectively -- one for me and the other for the rest!

-----

You are so nasty, I called you on the phone and got an ear infection.

-----
Too funny Jokes
Doctor: Listen gentleman, You've got a tumor in your brain.
Wife starts laughing so loud!
Husband: Why so?
Wife: I am surprised that he has a brain!

-----

When she sees a spider, she behaves cool but she cries when it disappears!

-----

Dad to daughter: Dear, what you do when you grow up?
Daughter: I'll do marriage.
Dad: No, bad thing, you should not think anyone's bad at this age.

-----

My Aerobic teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

Not end yet, the more big magical dose of fun waiting for you More Jokes.

Cute Funny Status Messages

'Post these best, funny, cute and naughty status messages to make sure they like, share, comment and retweet.'
  • I am not dying for a stable relationship but yes.. a stable connectivity matter a lot!
  • If we make social networking blogs for animals, their status would be like:
    Chicken: If you don't find any status update from my side, It means I am being served at restaurant.
    Mosquito: Somehow skipped from someone's footsteps. Huh! There is so much risk and danger in life.
    Cat: My 10th kitten is asking her dad's name. I don't even remember!
    Pig: Oh Gosh, they throw the gossips that I'm spreading flu.. What the hell!
    Dog: It's raining!
  • Free Food? with WiFi? Okay, I'll go.
  • oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
  • Really thankful to school for teaching us texting without looking.
  • If you think I hate you... I probably do, Goodbye.
  • Just Wondering that she is 18 and pregnant will come back on 34 as grand-mom.
  • Love is quite strange and funny thing. No matter how hard I try and try, I just can't say goodbye.
  • You must learn swimming because you're missing 3/4 of the world.
  • Hard work never kills you - it just keeps you away from social networks!
  • You are a proof that God has a good sense of humor.
  • I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
  • Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!
  • Remember me? I was your friend - when you were single.
  • I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
  • Celebrating Valentine’s Day with my liver.
  • I finally figured out what mosquitoes are for - they are God's way to make us slap ourselves!
  • Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.
  • Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
  • Yes, I know I can't sing. Yes, I'm going to keep singing anyway.
  • I am practicing my signature over and over again , in case I become famous.
  • Roses are red. Foxes are clever. I want your hug, let me do it forever.
  • I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
  • Party instructions: Walk in. Eat as much as you can. Walk out.
    Girl: "I love you" Boy: "I love me too"
  • Everyone has that one friend that makes them LOL.
  • For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
  • I want to surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time.
  • For others it may Valentine's Day, but for me it's Thursday.
  • The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.
  • I'm writing a story about a man with a small garden. It doesn't have much of a plot.

Funny Ludicrous Quotations

'Are you fond of jesting. Practice it here with ludicrous, clever, and entertaining funny jolly quotes.'

-4. The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exam or are in love.

-5. When I am available, no one calls or text me. But when I get busy.. still no one..

-4. Hey, your phone's ringing. Yeah, that is what they are made for.

-3. I always wake up with a good attitude everyday. Then you meet me.

-2. As I get older I notice the years less and the seasons more.

-1. How can I lose to such an idiot?

0. The only stupid question is the question you don't ask.

1. You can drive a woman wild with right use of your tongue. It's so simple. All you do is say, 'You're looking little fatty today?"

2. If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask me any stupid question.

3. When I try, it does not come and when I avoid insists - My pressure.
Yes, admit that I think about....... that crispy pizza a lot. Lmao

4. If valentine's day is for love birds, then the rest of days are for me, right?

5. Home is where..... We can look ugly but enjoy it.

6. You're so lucky to have me, I wish me too.

7. Ever you wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

8. Meaning of SINGLE - Stress is now gone life's easier.

9. Best memories always come from bad ideas.

10. When you don't like them.. Their opinions seem to be so irrelevant.

11. Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

12. Wanna do what husbands do with their wives on bed? No thanks. My life does it with me daily.

13. I didn't shouted on you, alcohol did.

14. What formula do you use while solving your sums. Me: Guess and Hope.

15. Check my fridge every five minutes to see if any food magically appeared.

16. I want to keep my school clean by staying at home.

17. Why do men fear the dark?
Because darkness is ignorance made visible.
And do men despise ignorance?
No, they prize it above all things, all things! But only so long as it remains invisible.

18. The awkward moment when you're at someone's house and the toilet won't flush...

Funny Double Meaning Quotes

'Sometime they say something else and we understand something else. So here are those double meaning quotes, lines and situations to enjoy.'

Double-meaning

On girl T-shirt - Excuse me ! My face is above.

I messaged my wife that I'd come late and when I reached late, I found her with another man.
Friend: Come on dear, Be positive. Your message would have been not delivered.

Catch her by her waist…
Bring her home..
Keep your hand on her neck
Put your lips on her lips
than have a …
…Cold-drink

Girl after her honeymoon came fully exhausted and tired,
When her friends asked her what happened?
She replied : When this 65 year old mad man told me
he has saved a lot from last 45 years,

I thought he was talking about FINANCE? 

He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!

I really deeply want you to some to me in my dark room on my bed under the cover so that you could see the glow of my new watch.

What's he doing now? I believe he's attempting re-entry.


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'

Popular/Famous Quotes

'The collection of all best, famous and popular Quotes to live by. They gonna charge you for better life. You can do anything but the only thing you need is right track with strong will power. These quotes gonna show you how you can do it.'


Famous Quotes inspirational quote about life goes on

To change your life, you have to change yourself. To change yourself, you have to change your mindset.

Accept what you cant change, and change what you cant accept.

Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did'.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.
- Max De Pree

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
- R. D. Laing

The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.
- Harold Wilkins

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
- William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)

Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be.

It's always too early to quit.
- Norman Peale

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss

It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
- W. Sommerset Morgan

You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.
- Albert Einstein

There are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change. You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional.

I consider those are rich who are doing something they feel worthwhile and which they enjoy doing.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
- Bruce Lee

Each person must live their life as a model for others.
- Rosa Parks

Genius is essentially creative; it bears the stamp of the individual who possesses it.
- Madame de Stael

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
- William Shakespeare

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.
- Jim Carrey

Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies; to pursue them; to deprive them of their possessions; to make their beloved weep; to ride on their horses; and to embrace their wives and daughters.
- Genghis Khan (c.1155/1162/1167-1227)

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
- Jess C. Scott

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
- Albert Einstein


A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
- John Ciardi (1916-1986)

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
- W. C. Doane

May you live every day of your life.
- Jonathan Swift

Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire.
- William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
- Jimi Hendrix

Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.
- Bill Gates

Every true man who is a little above the level of the beasts and plants, lives so as to give a meaning and a value to his own life.
- Luigi Pirandello

He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.
- Alexander Hamilton

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.
- William James

Problems are messages.
- Shakti Gawain

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Groucho Marx

Hold fast to dreams,For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird, That cannot fly.
- Langston Hughes

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
- Joseph Campbell

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dying my hair tonight.
- Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.- Charles M. Schulz

There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.
- Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

If you win, you need not have to explain...If you lose, you should not be there to explain.
- Adolf Hitler

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- Abraham Lincoln

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
- Patrick Henry

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
- Paul Valery

It is easy to fly into a passion–anybody can do that–but to be angry with the right person and at the right time and with the right object and in the right way–that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.
- Aristotle

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
- Dalai Lama

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.
- Epictetus

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- Cherie Carter-Scott
Follow your dreams, work hard, practice and persevere. Make sure you eat a variety of foods, get plenty of exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
- Sasha Cohen

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, To everyone you can.
- Ancient Advice

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
– Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

Success is not measure by the position one has reached in life, rather by the obstacles one overcomes while trying to succeed.
- Booker T. Washington

Life is just a minute only sixty seconds in it, forced upon you, can‘t refuse it. Didn't seek it, didn't choose it, but It‘s up to you to use it. You must suffer if you lose it, give an account if you abuse it, just a tiny little minute, but eternity is in it.
- Dr. Benjamin E. Mays

I have learned there is a gift wrapped inside of every adversity and, if you have faith and hope, you can lose everything and still survive.
- Sandi Bachom

Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal.
- Bruce Lee

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
- Mother Teresa

You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered.
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go.
- Mother Teresa

A great figure or physique is nice, but it's self-confidence that makes someone really sexy.
- Vivica Fox

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.
- Stephen King

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Goethe

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.
- Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
- Mark Twain

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- Aristotle Onassis

I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan

Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them. But do not let them master you.
- Hellen Keller

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
- Arthur Calwell

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
- Mark Twain

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.
- George Eliot

Make it a point to do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
- Mark Twain

You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.
- Zig Ziglar

I can get sad, I can get frustrated, I can get scared, but I never get depressed – because there’s joy in my life.
- Michael J. Fox

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.
- Anonymous

Life is about increasing understanding by expanding our ability to experience new things. New realities, points of view other than the ones familiar to us.
- Ken Dyers

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
- Anonymous

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,Love like you'll never be hurt,Sing like there's nobody listening,And live like it's heaven on earth.
- William W. Purkey

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.
- Isak Dinesen

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- Mae West

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain

People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Every evil is some good spelt backwards, and in it the wise know how to read Wisdom.
- Coventry Patmore

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
- Chinese Proverb

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little - do what you can.
- Sydney Smith

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
- Charles Dickens

The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned.
- Albert Einstein