31 Funny 'KNOCKED UP' Quotes

We have collected 31 most funniest 'Knocked up' quotes from to make you laugh again. It successfully entertained the people and rated as number one in comedy genre. Let us know your reaction by leaving your sweet comments.

Knocked Up

Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
Alison Scott: Okay, just stop talking.

Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!

Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.
Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

Jason: She looks really... smart.

Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

Alison Scott: I was drunk!
Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?

Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.

Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.

Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.

Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone: We're not married.
Young Doctor: Are you single?
Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor: Are you two together?

Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.

Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.

Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and f each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?

Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete: I went to the movies.
Debbie: With who?
Pete: By myself.
Debbie: What'd you see?
Pete: Spider-Man 3.
Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie: You're not the only one.
Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
Pete: Well...
Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete: Come on.

Ben Stone: What time is it?
Alison Scott: 7:30
Ben Stone: Why the f are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
Alison Scott: I have to go to work.
Ben Stone: Really?
Alison Scott: Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?
Ben Stone: No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.

Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.

Ben Stone: I live in your phone!

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.

[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.

Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!

Jodi: [to Allison] You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of.

Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...

Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.

Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.

Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, alright?

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