- If I die today, for the love of God, someone please clear my browser history.
- I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- I trust my dog to guard home but never when it comes to pizza.
- Admit it.. You've Googled yourself.
- Mae were born between a woman's leg and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them There is not place like home.
- Farts: The screams of trapped poop.
- That awkward moment when a teacher tries to be funny.
- Vodka mixes well everything, except decisions.
- Sometimes I Laugh so hard that I feel like six pack is coming on.
- I am not a slow person. I just have a speed limit.
- No matters how old you are, when ketchup bottle farts, It's funny.
- Forgetting to remove you contact lenses and waking up the next morning thinking your blindness was cured.
- I wish I could forgot you like i forget everything I studied right before exams.
- I am actually not funny. I am actually really mean and people just think I am joking.
- I was born a week early, so I have been running late ever since to make up for it.
#. Don't smoke cigarettes there are cooler ways to die.
#. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
#. Excuse me, I found your nose. It was in my business.... again.
#. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!
#. Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.
#. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
#. My Reality Check bounced.
#. My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.
#. Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.